Part 17: Episode XVI: Big Guns

A second, meaty update today. Since I'm unavailable tomorrow and Monday is St. Patrick's Day and I'm an Irish guy that likes to drink. An update on Tuesday is dependent on the severity of my hangover. Enjoy!

Episode XVI: Big Guns


"Are we really huddling in a closet because of a nine year old? This is embarrassing. I'm going back out there."



"Yeah, sure. Be back in five."


"Don't worry. The bullets will only sedate her. Let Vincent handle this."
"Did you tell him they're special bullets?! He probably thinks you just gave him extra ammo."
"Oh shi-"




Let's try that again...




"Wait, hold up, Vincent! Those bullets I gave you. They're special tranquilizer bullets."
"Why would you be carrying tranquilizer darts specifically modified for my gun?"
"That's a good question One which I'm going to choose to ignore. Just use them on her."


Well, we are finally revealed Shelke's full villain name - Shelke the Transparent. And it just occurred to me the kid's name was already Shelke... Does that mean all of these zany color themed villains already had dopey color themed names? They just happened to band together in the name of evil?


Shelke attacks just how you'd expect a super-powered nine year old to attack - by spastically hopping around the room like a jacked up CGI Yoda and-


The fuck?!


Oh, you know what? I've had a rough day.


Fuck this noise.





"Vincent...WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"ROOARRRrrroh... Oh shi-"




"Vincent, just stop. Load your gun with the tranq darts. Shoot her. That is all. That is all you need to do."
"Right."


"Not there! God, what is wrong with you?!"




"Ugh. Happiness...? This scene is dead. Farewell."

Vincent promptly loses interest and wanders off.



Azul immediately bursts out of the ceiling for absolutely no reason. How long was he hiding in the airvents? How can he even hide in the airvents?


"Answer me this. Do you know why you even exist?"
"..."
"Just as I thought. Ignorant to your own destiny."


"You gave me three seconds to answer the meaning of life. I was thinking on the subject. This is not how debates work. Anyhow. I found the answer."
"Oh?"


"I hope there wasn't a minimal word count."


"Enough of the games, Vincent. Give me the Protomateria."

Reeve appears out of nowhere for about the eighth time now.


"You can't run!"


Thus an extremely silly chase scene ensues.


"Vincent!"
<nod>


Oh, hey. There just happens to be a rocket launcher the size of a small tree trunk.



Loaded, no less.


In hindsight, that was probably the worst idea ever.


"Ah ha. Aha ha ha! You have to be the worst main character ever, Vincent. Was that your first line since the beginning of the stage?"
"There's no need to be rude."
"Nor was there need to fire a handheld ship cannon a good three feet away from the target."
"I will admit - that wasn't the best move I have ever done."
"Aha ha ha. Understatement of the year, here. Aha ha ha."
"Hahaha!"



"This ends here. Leave him to me."
"Vincent, this is information I do not need to be told twice. See ya."

Reeve takes a breather.



Sorry. I just couldn't let the facial expression go unseen. It's even more amusing when his voice actor completely fails to pull off a convincing yell of the second half of dialog.

Anyhow, it's time to battle Azul. Now, the latter portion of the cutscene didn't properly display it, but Azul has gotten a slight upgrade pulled, from what can only be, directly out of his ass.


So, if anyone would like to explain to me where he got a tank cannon from, I'm all ears.


Even without his plot device shield, Azul is a beast. An entire reload of a long barrel Cerberus will take maybe 100 HP off him, at most. He's completely immune to magic. He's also got a mean boot stomp to the face, if melee is attempted.

Offense wise, he's got the tank cannon, which hits like a truck, and a ground stomp which...doesn't really hurt too much and is easily avoided by jumping over the shockwave. So, how does one take down Azul the Cerulean?


Quite simply. It's just a matter of blowing up one of the dozen explosive barrels that have spawned in the room, since the previous cutscene ended. Three or four barrels and he's dead. It's probably one of the easiest boss battles in the game.

That was quite a bit of build-up for boss on par with something from the original Doom, in terms of design.



"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...Was that supposed to hap-"
"No."
"Well, is this actually the end, then?"
"Yes, yes. Look just... _Shit..."

Fade to the next scene...


"Nibelheim" (Knee-Bell-Hiyem)
"Wait. Shinra Manor? But that is where... Understood. But, be on your guard. We have reports of Deepground units deployed in that area."
"On another continent in the middle of nowhere? Why?"
"We're still uncertain of Deepground's motives. We only know it's something really stupid."


Oh... No no no. I was defending you as the only decent character, Reeve. You cannot be suggesting a fucking sewer level.


This ought to be the tagline of the entire game. I dare you to find a more appropriate piece of dialog.


"It's time we found out what Deepground is truly up to."


On that ominous note, we end stage four. And trust me, that line is leading to fucking disaster.


I must say I love that they tally accuracy on a forty minute stage and include the count done using the hilariously inaccurate chaingun. It's a real swell touch.


I only technically lost a single WRO member to Deepground. What happened to the other three...?

Murder...


And, I used a dozen instances of magic on this stage and I still only got two or three points to my intelligence stat bonus. I think Vincent just has high functioning autism by default. This would explain a lot about the game.

And there you have it. That godawful cutscene riddled mess is over. Now it's time for the next one.

Tune in Next Time For:


Sewer Levels!


Jarring Chapter Transitions!!


Turtle Men!!!

Bonus Movies:

Defeating Shelke
A Silly Time With Azul
Stage Four Outro

Cutscenes Present: 5
Cutscenes Total: 64